Weekly rubbish 24/03/24

Hello my friend! How’s it going? Had a touch of spring yesterday… Warm sun on my face…just beautiful…

I see in Russia after a very tight election, old Vlad has done it again. Putin must be so well liked over there. He didn’t have any real opposition as they’d be dead within six months but still, the people seem to love him….What you say..? A fix? Never!! I’m a bit worried about him pressing the big button so just in case I’ve been on Amazon to buy a nuclear bomb shelter but they’ve sold out. Now the neighbours think I’m digging a hole for a small pond but I’m actually going down thirty feet. Get it concreted and lead lined. So if ever a mushroom cloud appears then I’m ready. If it’s sooner than expected I’ll have to pull open the drain cover outside my house, throw down a pop up tent full of chocolate bars, crisps and booze, cover myself in tin foil and get down there for a few months….

Nessie has made an appearance! The ‘new’ video is a few years old but wow! It shows the  Scottish beast in all it’s mysterious glory, or not, as the case may be. It certainly rakes in the cash that’s for sure. Tourist’s flock to the area and buy anything with a picture of the loch Ness monster with a tartan scarf wrapped around it’s long, green neck. Here in Hull we have the river Humber. A dirty, fast flowing water that leads out toward the North Sea. At one point people thought they saw a terrifying brown beast bobbing up near the marina, like some sort of a dirty, radio active crab from a 50’s B movie. Horrifying onlookers screamed as it approached but luckily it turned out to be from the local waste pipe…A compacted turd three feet across….. sinking slowly….it’s whereabouts remain a mystery…

And shoelaces are dangerous things don’t you think? They should come with a health warning. Had a bit of a kerfuffle last night. Got home after a couple of libations and flicked on the hallway light but nothing happened. It’s been playing up for a while. Deciding it’ll work when it wants, like a moody teenage kid. So in the darkness it tried to untie my boot laces. The first one was effortless, a small tug and the size 10 slips off. I lifted my right foot up to repeat the process but the lace didn’t budge. I swayed on one leg like a drunken flamingo, cursing the shoe Gods, asking them to give me a break but now my tipping point has been reached. I fall/roll ninja style and end up on my back with one leg in the air, my boot still untied. My wife was walking up the path, yet to see me so with a mighty heave I pulled the now thin lace…..snap!  I slipped the boot off and stood up in a very ungainly fashion, deciding to lean against the wall and look cool in the dark was the best option. She walked in and flicked the switch. Light flooded the hallway….. Me stood there with half a shoelace in a shaky hand and my glasses hanging off my face…. Bloody electrics …..