" Your lights are on...but no one's home..." The famous opening line from Robert Palmer's hit song, Addicted to Love. Remember that 1980s video with the supermodels playing the instruments and Robert looking very dapper? It's very apt for the contestants on Love Island. All muscle, tattoo's, and sun kissed beauties pouting. It's everything I … Continue reading Addicted to Love (Island)
A one legged pigeon from Sheffield, Very cool,laid back and quite chilled, He hopped and he pecked, Half can of beer he necked, Then hiccuped, swore and then keeled! I was sat outside Sheffield hospital just minding my own business when this one legged wonder appeared. His friend got even closer then both of them … Continue reading Pigeon
Life takes us down a twisty, turny path sometimes doesn't it. Haven't felt like blogging much these last few weeks. Four months ago my first grandchild was born. A beautiful boy named after me. How can you have that much love for someone you haven't seen before? Crazy. Anyway he hasn't been very well, in … Continue reading Life
As some of you know on here, I'm not the most technically minded individual. Not for lack of trying though I'm just thick. I was having a look around the 'view admin' area here on WordPress and bloody hell I have over a hundred spam messages! At first I thought I was just popular but … Continue reading Spam Spam Spam and Spam!
Flying away to sand and sun, a little hanky panky, with some girl, name unknown, ouzo breathe, quite lanky, Wakey wakey! The Brits are here, the yobs are back in town, The girls aren't too far behind, how many drinks can they down? Booming sound and flashing lights, drink and pop those pills, No pail … Continue reading FUN IN THE SUN!
What are your plans for this weekend? Anything exciting? I'm thinking of taking my private jet to the south of France and stay on my super yacht for a day or two. Or maybe go a little bit further, skim across the sea to Tuscany and visit my favourite restaurant, La Donk'e Hoof. The head … Continue reading Weekend Plans?
Sunrise and sunset photographed from my garden ...
Summer is here! Get out your brollies, Soggy food in your vest and trollies, Here I am, feeling a bit like Cinderella, Going nowhere with a cold sausage and warm can of Stella, Wait! Wait! I see the Sun! Better dry out that burger bun, It's getting hotter! Oh Fantastic! Time to have fun, be … Continue reading Summer time…..
I just bit the bullet and hopped onto the scales. Man alive I've put a stone on since last year. That's about 6 and a half kg to you, I'm still stuck in the old imperial system, this metric malarkey is not for me. It's the long covid diet that's done it. Do very little … Continue reading THE COVID DIET.
I had a battle with a wasp this morning. It was that big I was like a lion tamer with a chair and a whip. It must have been some sort of mutated freak of nature. Big as an american football, a stinger that would kill a giraffe and fangs as sharp as needles! I … Continue reading THE WASP FROM HELL.
I'm a man on the run. The tax men are chasing me! HMRC are on my tail! I've had five phone calls today off different numbers all Repeating the same thing. Automated, same bloke telling me if I don't pay they're going to put out a warrant for my arrest. Press one, it says, to … Continue reading Man on the run!
Jim sucked in his stumHe wanted some funLet the story beginHer name was BrendaThose hips were slenderBut opportunites round here were thinHe gave her the lineWhen they drank the red wine And those pub lights were dimSo Jim brought her homeTheir hands started to roam After drinking most of the ginIn the dance of lustThey … Continue reading One night love.
The weather here is finally warming up. The sky is a beautiful clear blue and the days have lengthened. People walking around with untanned, pale legs and burnt red faces. Summer is waiting in the wings. On the down side it also means the neighbour has his rap music on loud. Now it's not my … Continue reading Gangsta paradise!
What the hell is abstract art? It is a very strange thing to me. Sometimes its looks as if an animal has done it. So I had a think ( I know, I know it's dangerous ) Googled it and would you believe it, animals do actually paint. The one above was painted by Congo … Continue reading MONKEY BUSINESS.
I've been in hospital to have a thing done called an ablation. The doctors insert thin wires up through either side of the groin into arteries that go into the heart. I'm having it done because I have scarring in my heart from previous heart attacks which has been causing arrhythmia, making the old ticker … Continue reading NIGHT NURSE.
I had my second covid vaccination yesterday. Brilliant to get it done. Very quick, very easy. Smooth as clockwork. They give you some paperwork with various things on it like side effects. Today I feel like I've been kicked by a horse. Not a little Shetland pony but a gigantic Shire horse. A very angry … Continue reading The Jab.
A damp chill hung in the air. Drops of rain ran down the windows, racing one another. Shiny puddles danced beneath the sodium lights as I walking into my office. The glass door had my name on it in faded gold lettering. Sam Shovel. Private Dic. Inside, my office was as warm as a Los … Continue reading The mysterious case of the missing toenail clipping….
Mother Nature turned and said, " What have you people done?""I've been here for quite a while spinning around this big old Sun."" You came along and took me for a ride."" Killing and poisoning me, you'll be crying when I've died."" So you think you know better than me?"" Polluting my sky and throwing … Continue reading MOTHER NATURE.
I'm just sat watching the telly and my lord there is some absolute rubbish on. Every channel has been taken over by endless gameshows, rolling news and worst of all, cookery programmes. Chefs are now practically superstars. All for slinging a few ingredients in a pan and charging rediculous prices which people seem happy to … Continue reading Recipe for disaster.
Orange is the deadliest fruit, Take a bite and it will shoot, It's deadly venom into the sky, A direct hit, straight in the eye, Pain hits, have you been stung by a bee? No it's worse than that, blinded by vitamin C, Next time I'm sticking to a granny smith, Cos this sphere of … Continue reading The fruit of death…
I'm sat here listening to the radio,( Queen. Another one bites the dust. What a tune!) taking my morning concoction of tablets for the old ticker and enjoying a tray of fruit. Definitely more than five a day. Healthy body, healthy mind I tell myself, wishing I had a bacon sandwich instead, with fried mushrooms … Continue reading Kale v Bacon.
It's funny really but I thought poetry was just for 'Arty Farty' types (apologies to any Arty Farty types out there) and not a numbskull like me. How wrong I was! Turns out I've been really enjoying it here. So I wrote a few. I only ever intended to do a couple of small blogs..... … Continue reading The Bransholme Cowboy.
The wind blew the tree and the tree danced back Branches creaked Murderous crows swooped and squawked Laughing from above Black sillouettes on gray pallete Dappled leaves lazily float away to pile and decay Bark, withered like old skin It's roots twist and turn, burrow into earth and stone Standing, grown through seasons past Summers … Continue reading TREE.
Oh man..... technology wins yet again... Every Braincell has been used. Every dark recess of my mind has been searched and still it's a no no. Damn this modern , fast paced, super speedy world we live in. All I want to do is change my menu and put my blogs and poems separately but … Continue reading Lost in space two…the revenge of the menu.
Pump the iron make the Hulk look puny, Jog till you drop like a demented loony, Flexing in red shorts looking mean and moody, Plenty of Punch with a touch of Judy, Up at six addicted to sweat, Kale smoothie at eight, I wouldn't touch that for a bet, The vainest man that I ever … Continue reading Muscle.
A barking dog and a big white van, Early morning frost and a dustbin man, Kids go to School via the bakers shop, Four sausage rolls make your heart say stop, Smoking mother's chewing the fat, Pass a wrinkled man in an old woolly hat, Straight to the bookies, his money will diminish, Bellow at … Continue reading THESE STREETS..
I don't know where you live but here in Britain the dialects, accents vary greatly from place to place. What somebody says in one part of the country might not make any sense in another part. Here in Hull we have quite a few different words for things. A back alley is called a ten … Continue reading A DEAD BOD.
My wife walked slowly backward into the living room, her shaking hand pointing and said, " Massive rat in the garden......" A bit like Chief Brody in Jaws when he sees the Great White up close and personal. I jumped up, well slowly rose, knees popping, bones creaking and had a look but the blighter … Continue reading Dancing with Rats.
" Ug ug?" the Caveman said kindly to his one and only, " Ug!Ug!" she snapped, sick to death of his baloney, "Ug....ug?" he said, his large forehead frowning, "UG!!UG!!uuggg!" she raged, her chest starts 'a'pounding, "....ug? " he says and glanced around the cave, " Ug. Ug. Ug. Ug. Ug," she shouts, sick of … Continue reading The very first argument in the world..
I sail the boat, the good ship 'Me', Through gales, wind, and stormy sea, Crushed, smashed, a broken sail, Hold the wheel, I must prevail... The good ship 'Me' plows proudly on, Cut through the blue, the clouds are gone, The sun shines down, the sky is clear, Gaze to the horizon, it holds no … Continue reading The Good ship, Me.
We have so much cash Send a Rover to Mars Satellites and rockets All the way to the stars Spend millions on bombs Bullets and guns War is a profit Killing fathers and sons With billionaires bloated Greased political palms Then church on a sunday Reading the psalms And people are starving No food in … Continue reading FAT CATS.
First "serious" poem. What the hell are dreams about? I woke up and wrote this. Let me know what you think! Where do we go when we sleep? To far away places? Who do we meet? In ever moving realms Strangers who we'll never see On shifting moving ground Spectrums of colours Dream..land, seen by … Continue reading Where do we go….?
Meeting your maker... popping your clogs... bite the dust.... kicking the bucket..I've had more brushes with death than Evil Knievel and I don't ride a motorcycle or wear the cape. And I definitely haven't tried to jump the Grand Canyon. But I have had a few near misses though. Five heart attacks, a stent, which … Continue reading THE END IS NIGH!
My wife said this morning how much I've mellowed and now I'm a pussycat....."My little pussycat..." I don't know if I should be happy or offended... I don't want to be a pussycat...I want to be a lion.... I DONT WANT TO BE A PUSSYCAT, I WANT TO BE A LION, SAT ON THE SAVANNA, … Continue reading PUSSYCAT OR LION?
It's time to tidy the garden, that's a very good idea, Or do a spot of D.I.Y, it is that time of year, I could cook up some tasty food or just make a cup of tea, But I really can't be arsed, and I badly need a wee, I could paint a masterpiece, make … Continue reading PROCASTINATE
About a year before the pandemic a council estate next to where I live was being flattened to make way for 'Affordable Housing'. All those empty homes attracted vandals who decided they would help with the demolishing. Lighting fires, causing havoc and general mayhem.... Then some bright spark had a good idea... Let professional graffiti … Continue reading PAINTING HOUSES.
I'm a hopeless romantic. And if you're lucky enough to have found a soulmate then you've got it made.... But.... Valentine's Day...Why does it cost three times as much to buy a bunch of flowers? Or double the price for a box of chocolates because they've got a red ribbon on them....And the cards are … Continue reading VALENTINE’S PAY..
How were your school days? Good? Bad?....Well I don't know who said school days are the best days of your life but what an idiot! And they definitely didn't go to my school..... Nowadays teachers and pupils are almost friends the way they are with each other. Back in the 70s when corporal punishment ruled … Continue reading THE FASTEST NUN IN THE WEST….
Most people who have read my blogs will know I had coronavirus last year. A very rough time and for a while we all thought I was going to kick the bucket. But luckily for me that didn't happen so I fully expected to recover, and have done in many respects. That would be that … Continue reading Forever Covid.
My wife has cooked the food Now I'm washing the pots Every single piece of cutlery And I mean lots and lots! I wash, I dry And still no end in sight I'll be knee deep in suds Til the middle of the night So spare a thought as you fall to sleep Tucked up … Continue reading POTS & PANS
A couple of years ago I was strolling in the town centre in Hull. I turned and saw this huge bee coming at me. I was startled and to be honest I nearly hit her over the head with a rolled up newspaper but my wife stopped me. Good job I didn't. Her name is … Continue reading Attack Of The Killer Bee Lady…..
The days are starting to lengthen slightly, the Sun setting later every day. It's still cold and frosty but Mother Nature reminds us that spring will soon be here...
The beautiful poinsettia.... Apparently it goes way back to the Aztec times. Now of course it's the plant associated with this time of year.... So Happy Christmas to one and all....
I've never wrote a poem in my life but here goes....a little Christmas ode.... Oh Christmas time..... Not enough money in our pockets, Too many plugs to fit in sockets, A good excuse to drink all day, A drunken Santa on his sleigh. Eat a full pork pie and a selection box, Slumped in a … Continue reading Past Christmas.
Just found this photo hidden away on my phone. It's the old pier here in Hull. A ferry would cross the river Humber, several times a day to Lincolnshire. When the Humber Bridge came along in 1981 the old boat was no longer needed but the pier remains.
I was never a big fan of flowers if I'm honest. But the last few years I've begun to really appreciate how lovely they are. This rose has just started to wilt. It's on our table and I look at it everyday and just think it's beautiful. Mother Nature. Wow.
Long covid diary... Day two hundred and twenty eight.....and counting. I'm feeling a bit better than I did I'm happy to report. I've gone from death's door, then feeling absolutely shite to terrible. Now I'm currently fairly crap which is a positive. And I don't want to tempt fate but I'm slowly on the up. … Continue reading Covid Race 2…..
Me and technology have never really been the best of friends. In fact at times we've been the worst of enemies. The TV retuning is a nightmare. Ah bring back the old days when a telly warmed up and all you had was three channels. Now the remote flies through the air after half an … Continue reading Lost in space.
It's cold and drab outside. A misty drizzle sticks to the windows. It's getting dark at four o'clock. Autumn is setting in and winter is on its way. Here are some photos I took in my garden in summer. Warm days and blue sunny skies. Hope you enjoy...
First of May nineteen sixty five. An amazing event occurred. The angels sang, the heavens shook and flags were unfurled. I came into this world. I don't know exactly what time because I didn't have my watch on but one second it was dark the next thing it's very bright and some bloke in a … Continue reading TODAY’S THE DAY.