The eyes have it

So I had an eye test the other day. Just popped into Specsavers to ask a question and before I knew it I’m in a dark room squinting at a very fuzzy board with tiny letters on. These old eyeballs have seen better days, even though I’ve worn glasses for years they seem to be getting worse. I knew they were bad when I went into Primark and started chatting to a very quiet assistant who turned out to be a mannequin. Also last week I brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream. The good news is my teeth haven’t got piles. I think I’m turning into Mr Magoo.

So I’m sat there, face forward, bending a bit too far and it’s hurting my back a little, chin on a ledge, eyes wide open then boosh! A  few puffs of spray into the baby blues. Eyes smarting, the optometrist took photos with the brightest flash known to man. Everything turned white. Bloody hell this person is trying to blind me! “Follow me to the next room please,” she said quickly and I’m trying desperately to see something, anything as she scooted away. I turned in her direction, back bent painfully and face contorted, squinting. I’m now looking more like Dr Frankenstein’s faithful dogsbody Igor. “In here please,” her voice rose as I did as I was told. Trying desperately not to shout “Yes Master!” Instead I put my hands out and find the door to the next torture chamber.

“Can you tell me what line you can see?”

I’m in another chair, slightly more comfortable than the last with my whole face covered by some strange sci fi device that wouldn’t be out of place at NASA. In front of me a screen, lit up with four lines of letters, biggest at the top, smallest at the bottom. I squint further. No good it’s still unrecognisable to me. I might ask her to move the board forward at touch but then she might zap my eyes again, scorching my iris’s to a crisp. Incredibly though, after ten minutes of toing and froing the letters are crystal clear. Amazing. I’m done.

“Stay seated please,” she says then decides to shine an even brighter light than the last one. “Look right.” Oh bugger me my retina’s are on fire. “And left.” I’m blinking like crazy. “Stare straight ahead please,” she tells me curtly as my eyes start to stream. “Good…..”

‘Good?’ It might be good for you but I’m now semi blind. The world has taken a strange red glow. “Your vision has worsened..” Well it has now pal, I thought. Twenty minutes ago it wasn’t too bad then I walked in here. She tapped away at a keyboard then gave me a card. I put my old glasses on and my eyes adjusted slightly. “That’s your prescription. Just take it the same way you came in and an assistant will see to you.” She got up and opened the door, peeking out to the next victim.

“Cheers…” I said, putting my hands out and searching for the door. Luckily it was straight in front of me and now I’m in a bright red corridor complete with red ceiling and carpet. Red people looking at red spectacles. I didn’t bother searching for a new pair, I just wanted out so feeling my way past the expensive Ray Bans, Gucci and other ridiculously priced specs I guided myself out, knocking a few red Versace bifocals as I past and with a few funny glances in my direction, I escaped.

“Where you been?” My wife asked as I blinked rapidly. It took me fifteen minutes to get back to the car. Luckily for me a very old lady helped me across a busy carpark. She was a bit slow and shaky but I suppose with my full weight across her shoulders and carrying her own shopping bags too I couldn’t complain. And my eyes had cleared nicely too. All the colours coming back, apart from the elderly ladies face which was a funny shade of puce. I was trying to say I’m fine now but she was wheezing and coughing that much I couldn’t get a word in. Anyhow we left the carpark when the ambulance arrived and she seemed to be trying to point at me as she lay prone on a stretcher which was great because I was quite a distance away and could still see her. So maybe my eyes aren’t so bad after all….