blog Boris, sleaze, funny money

Captain Johnson

If Boris Johnson was the Captain of the Titanic…..

“Let’s not dither and delay! Yes the waters have been choppy and the iceberg was avoidable! But I’ve already made significant change’s. The lookouts have assured me no party took place. It’s time to put it behind us and get the job done!”

“But a third of the ship is sinking Captain!”

“Yes indeed but let’s get on with the job and get to our destination! I still have a majority of this ship afloat so it’s time to draw a line and move forward! I’m the only one that can sail this vessel!”

All the officers nod in agreement.

“First Officer Patel! What do you think?”

“Well Sir I believe if we throw all the third class passengers off the boat then say it’s all their fault for getting on in the first place.”

“Yes! Yes! Excellent! Make sure they don’t get in the lifeboats! First class only!”

Patel salutes and walks down the now slanted bridge, her feet splashing in the cold water.

“First Mate Dorries! What’s the situation?”

Dorries stands straight, soaked from head to foot, sea water dripping from her ears. “The ship is completely dry Captain! The iceberg caused no real damage, I’m 100 percent behind you Sir!”

“Good work! let’s crack on! Get the job done……” he looks around, blonde hair everywhere.” Where’s Officer’s Gove and Rhys Mogg? They are very quiet!”

Meanwhile below the two missing officers are opening windows, the freezing water about to come in. Both looking very furtive, checking nobody can see what they are up to. ” Lets be quick!” Gove whispers softly. “And make sure nobody thinks it’s us!” Rhys Mogg nods wisely, his suit still perfectly immaculate. “We’ll be done before he can say ‘Et tu brute’ “

Captain Johnson looks down at his wet feet, the water rising to his shins. “So we are all agreed?” he says to a near empty room, even First Mate Raab had done a runner. “Let’s get on with the job! Rebuilding this boat!” The water up to his hips.

Officer Javed spoke up as the water rose higher. “I don’t think it’s working Sir!”

“Nonsense!” replied Captain Johnson. “I’m positive if we keep saying ‘let’s move on’ the water will eventually recede…” The cold black water is now up to his chest.

“Maybe it’s time to abandon ship Sir?” Javid said, water up to his neck.

“Abandon?! Never!” said The Captain, starting to float. “You stay here and i’ll go to the lifeboat.”

“But shouldn’t the Captain stay with the ship? Do the honourable thing?” Javed said, the black water going into his mouth.

“Yes normally, but I think it’s far more important that I make sure the lifeboats are oven ready!”

Javed spluttered, disappearing under the water then resurfacing. “Permission to drown Sir!”


Captain Boris clambers upward onto a dry corridor. He pushes people aside to get to a lifeboat. “Women and children first! Well my children anyway.” He looks around, trying to remember how many kids he has. “If you let me through!!” he shouted as passengers scrambled everywhere. “I’ll save us all!”

He turns around, the fast freezing water approaching. “Let’s move on!” he cried. “LET’S MOVE ON!”

By Vinny

Middle aged geriatric from Hull, England.Slighty mad but aren't we all?

17 replies on “Captain Johnson”

As the woman on the evening news said last night, “I voted for him because I thought he was going to be different.” For me, that sums up the whole bloody political arena. Having said that, Boris has had two years that would undo anyone’s shoe laces.

Liked by 1 person

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