The eyes have it

So I had an eye test the other day. Just popped into Specsavers to ask a question and before I knew it I’m in a dark room squinting at a very fuzzy board with tiny letters on. These old eyeballs have seen better days, even though I’ve worn glasses for years they seem to be […]

Followers

I’ve been a busy bunny lately with a few things so the blogging has taken a bit of a back seat. Just looking at my messages and apparently I have new ‘Followers’. My lord I’m so popular! My blog is reaching the masses! I’m going worldwide! But I’ve got to be honest, some of them […]

Zelny Salat…

Greetings from Hradec Kralove! Well the language barrier seems to be getting bigger, not smaller here. I had a conversation with a lady behind a meat/cheese/salad counter yesterday. It started badly, then got worse and ended up a car crash. I was glancing at the coleslaw, all different kinds and it all looked a bit […]

Captain Johnson

If Boris Johnson was the Captain of the Titanic….. “Let’s not dither and delay! Yes the waters have been choppy and the iceberg was avoidable! But I’ve already made significant change’s. The lookouts have assured me no party took place. It’s time to put it behind us and get the job done!” “But a third […]

SCOOBY POO!

Scooby Doo came on telly the other day. I used to love cartoons when I was a kid, Tom and Jerry, Daffy duck, Speedy Gonzales that kind of thing. But my favourite had to be Scooby. All those adventures with monsters and werewolves that turned out to be the caretaker or the bank manager. Those […]

Back door blues…

So the dining room door has dropped…. You have to kind of lift the handle to close it with a grinding snap, the whole frame shuddering, a 5.5 on the Richter scale. I tell myself it’s a five, ten minute job, no problem. But nearly an hour later I’m scratching my head with the door […]

All I want is a sandwich….

A couple of weeks ago I went to a place I vowed never to go back to….My first experience there was horrific… A nightmare that left me emotional scarred for life…I still can’t eat a chicken sandwich without having a flashback……. Many moons ago we were doing a bit of shopping and my wife said, […]

The Ick…

Never knew what the Ick was until I watched Love Island (Don’t be judging me) and apparently it’s when a woman goes off a man… A gin and tonicHe feels bionicDoesn’t know it’s just platonicIt’s catastrophicShe’s catatonicBored to tears it’s unharmonicHe’s philamonicStereophonicFlying high,supersonicHe’s just colonicSubmoronicAvoid him like the plague bubonicHe goes erratic She gets sardonicCrack’s […]

Elf

My dearest Elf……. Please Elf on the shelf You’re so full of impish fun But if I see you one more time I’ll dig out my tommy gun Go back from where you came That factory faraway in China That little creepy face of yours Is giving me angina And if I see you near […]

Summer time…..

Summer is here! Get out your brollies, Soggy food in your vest and trollies, Here I am, feeling a bit like Cinderella, Going nowhere with a cold sausage and warm can of Stella, Wait! Wait! I see the Sun! Better dry out that burger bun, It’s getting hotter! Oh Fantastic! Time to have fun, be […]

THE WASP FROM HELL.

I had a battle with a wasp this morning. It was that big I was like a lion tamer with a chair and a whip. It must have been some sort of mutated freak of nature. Big as an american football, a stinger that would kill a giraffe and fangs as sharp as needles! I […]

Man on the run!

I’m a man on the run. The tax men are chasing me! HMRC are on my tail! I’ve had five phone calls today off different numbers all Repeating the same thing. Automated, same bloke telling me if I don’t pay they’re going to put out a warrant for my arrest. Press one, it says, to […]