I’m a man on the run. The tax men are chasing me! HMRC are on my tail! I’ve had five phone calls today off different numbers all Repeating the same thing. Automated, same bloke telling me if I don’t pay they’re going to put out a warrant for my arrest. Press one, it says, to speak to an operative. I can’t understand why they are after me though. I didn’t go to the Ken Dodd school of finance so my cash has never been hidden in a mattress. Or put my money in an offshore bank account, paying very little tax like Richard Branson. Anyhow I didn’t press one so I have to assume they are coming to get me. I’m going to go on the run like The Fugitive or that Hulk fella, mind you the only time I go green is when I have a plate of cous cous in front of me.
I’ll need a fake passport and a new identity. Go somewhere I will never be found. South America? Can’t afford that. Spain? Like an east end gangster, all sun tans, smiles and sovereign rings. Still a bit too far. I’d miss my wife and kids too much so maybe I’ll buy a tent and live off the land, eating worms and wild mushrooms like a poor man’s Bear Grylls. Popping back now and again when the coast was clear. Actually, thinking about it I’m a bit past it going on the run. I Could live in the shed! Put a hammock up. Just me and the spiders….wait a minute…. Wait a minute…..could it be a scam?! No way! he sounded very official if a bit robotic….I’ll check…Oh it is a scam. I’ve just looked on the interweb. Damn fraudsters. I’d never really fall for that though. I read about a bloke who got his fingers burnt a couple of years ago when he put ten grand into an account to help a very nice man who happened to have millions tied up but just needed the cash off him to sort it out. I’m not that gullible, the fool. But last month I did get a great deal though. I thought it was too good to be true at first. I bought a timeshare in North Korea. According to Mr Smith on the phone it’s going to be the next big holiday hotspot. Donald Trump wants to build a golf course near Pyongyang apparently. Property is very cheap there now so you have to get in early. I paid twenty grand but Mr Smith says I’ll get ten, twenty times the amount back. Guaranteed cash and I’m just waiting for the cheque. In a few months I’ll be rolling in money. I rang Mr Smith last week but he must have got a new number and forgot to send it to me. I’ll drop him an email. He was in touch constantly before I transferred the money but he is a busy man though, developing the new Disney World in Iraq. I honestly do know how some people fall for these scams… idiots…..