MONKEY BUSINESS.

What the hell is abstract art? It is a very strange thing to me. Sometimes its looks as if an animal has done it. So I had a think ( I know, I know it’s dangerous ) Googled it and would you believe it, animals do actually paint. The one above was painted by Congo the monkey. I don’t know if he was naturally gifted or went to art school. Can’t see him fitting in there but he’d probably leave less mess than a student.

His paintings have sold for thousands and apparently Picasso had one hung on his wall. Now I’m not sure if Congo had a Picasso on his wall or thought it was utter crap, with it’s wonky eyes and a nose where an ear should be. Artists can be temperamental beasts, especially primate ones.

So I have a plan…. Maybe invest in a few animals…stick a paintbrush between their chops and get them to create a masterpiece or two. Easy money or should I say Monet….I can’t get a monkey so I’m thinking cat or dog mainly. I don’t think a rabbit or a hamster being much good though, you’d have to superglue a brush to their head and I don’t think that would go down well with animal rights. Dog or cat? Cats can be very moody creatures, one minute rubbing against your leg lovingly and gracefully, purring away, the next trying to claw your face off in an unprovoked attack. But if I tie a paintbrush to its tail and get it to swish the brush on the canvas it just might work.

So it’s a dog. What kind? Rottweiler? No chance. If I criticised his work he’d kill me. Alsatian? Same thing. A poodle? No thanks it reminds me of Barbara Cartland. Just a normal dog, give it a catchy name like Corinthian. Train it to paint a few brush strokes and voilà, the money rolls in. I can just see the critics now saying things like, ” It’s full of raw emotion” or ” This work is amazing! How the artist has roamed free of constraints.” You know all that pretentious twaddle that these experts say. Anyway I’d sell a few then he goes into retirement and I buy that apartment in Ibiza. Who knows, Corinthian the painting mongrel could well be the next Jackson Pollock. Maybe I’ll do the painting and say it’s him. A few photos of the mutt with a brush in his mouth next to an easel for proof of his amazing talent and away we go.. and if it doesn’t work out at least I will have a dog…. mind you they are hard work to look after… walking and feeding them…might be better with a goldfish…..can you buy underwater paint…?