crime, feet, mystery, funny

The mysterious case of the missing toenail clipping….

A damp chill hung in the air. Drops of rain ran down the windows, racing one another. Shiny puddles danced beneath the sodium lights as I walking into my office. The glass door had my name on it in faded gold lettering. Sam Shovel. Private Dic. Inside, my office was as warm as a Los Angeles sunset. I threw off my wet coat and fedora and sat on the edge of the chair. One down side about being a gumshoe is you wear the heels off your size tens. I opened up a pack of Luckies and expertly lit one, breathed deeply, the warm smoke filling my lungs gratefully. It has been a hell of a day, and now it was time for a bit of R and R. I took off my socks. Gray to match the weather, and curled my toes up with a sigh. I had an early one in the morning. Tailing some broad whose husband suspected was playing pattycake with her boss. But that was for tomorrow. I glanced at my feet. They’ve walked down some dark alleys and dangerous streets in their time. Damn it my toenails were longer than a gangsters wrap sheet. I moved fast, hand going straight into my draw and fingers curling around the small metallic device. Tiredness hit me like Sugar Ray Robinson as I bent down to cut my toenails carefully, the silver clippers had seen better days, but then again so had I. The small biting blades placed carefully then click….I felt something whip next to my face, like a bullet cutting through the stale, smoky air. I ducked, more instinct than anything. In this job you have to learn to move fast. I looked around carefully, scanning the room. Nothing out of place and not a toenail clipping in site. Where had it gone? What if I don’t find it and it’s lurking somewhere? Waiting, just waiting to stab me in the dark….I’d have to find it…before it found me…and quickly……

So anyhow you get the idea don’t you! There I was cutting the old toenails because they are now like claws on a three toad sloth. Wham bam! A shard of my big toe nail flew up then disappeared into thin air. I’ve searched the whole bedroom but no, the sharp little bugger is nowhere to be seen, playing a weird game of hide and seek with me. Has it somehow thrown itself under the duvet? You get in and suddenly it’s stabbed into your thigh, blood everywhere. Or it lurks deep in the carpet, sharp side up, ready to gouge you in the sole of your foot. Where on earth is it? This is a mystery up there with the Bermuda Triangle, Loch Ness and how Boris Johnson is still Prime Minister. Could it have pinged out of the window? Could it have somehow flown into my cup of tea and it’s waiting for me to take a mouthful? I’m going to get the hoover and clean this place until not a speck of dust is…. OW!! Found it! I need a bandage! quick!!

By Vinny

Middle aged geriatric from Hull, England.Slighty mad but aren't we all?

29 replies on “The mysterious case of the missing toenail clipping….”

I don’t know about British politics but the anger is the same here too. Stupid people vote stupid people into positions of authority where they create ever more havoc for the people to enjoy. It never ends, Vinny!

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🤣🤣 Oh, but I LOVED this one, Vinny! My laughter started with the “Sam Shovel” reference to Sam Spade, and continued to the last word! You are a wordsmith and a fun one at that! As re BoJo … I’ve long said that he and Trump were blood brothers … how he was re-elected is beyond me, other than that he didn’t have a viable competitor.

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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. As for Boris, I’m still baffled by it all but you are right. Until the labour party gets its act together the conservatives will be in charge.

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He’s an empty suit in my opinion. I thought he would have really gone at the Tories but nothing has happened really. He doesn’t connect with people. I’ve voted labour all my life and that will never change but so much in fighting going on its ridiculous.

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Yes, that’s the problem in both of our countries … all the infighting, the divisiveness is counter-productive and is doing nothing to help bring people together, help the people who most need help.

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That happens here, too … in some areas, particularly rural areas, people vote as their father and their grandfather before him, regardless, rather than actually paying attention to issues and what each candidate’s take on those issues is. In the cities, where the population is more diverse, it’s not so much ‘tribal’, but it is in the rural areas.

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Here it was always the more affluent South voted conservative and the north voted Labour. Lots of people who normally would vote labour voted for Brexit and they all got behind Boris because of it.

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I was floored, dumbfounded, when Brexit passed, and now to hear that Labour voted for it … I am floored all over again. Sigh. I have two friends in the UK who voted for Brexit, all the rest were strongly against it. While I do understand some of the reasons for it, I still think it was a mistake. But, I really don’t have a voice in this matter, and we here in the U.S. have our own circus to deal with … if we can’t get it right, we surely have no right to weigh in on your troubles. Still … I care.

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What a mess it was….people just got fed up of it. I can’t believe we’re out of it now. Yeah the EU has a lot of problems but to be out of it is crazy. The poverty gap is widening and so many homeless on the streets it’s terrible. I think it will get a lot worse before it gets better.

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While I agree that it was NOT in the best interest of the UK to leave the EU, I’m also dumbfounded when I read of the EU trying to ‘punish’ the UK in a variety of ways. Sigh. Why in heck can’t people just learn to get along? Does it take a major catastrophe for us to remember that we’re all in this world together???? Like you, I think it’s likely to get worse before it gets better, and especially if Scotland leaves the UK. Sigh.

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We’ve never been best friend’s with Europe. Clashed over many thing’s and yeah we are on the ‘naughty step’. Brexit for me was a choice between the devil and the deep blue sea. Even the vaccine became a problem didn’t it!The thing is I’ve been to Berlin,Prague, Amsterdam and Bruges and the people are fantastic and friendly so it’s just a shame politics splits us all. I think Scotland will eventually go, I just hope it’s what the people want and not a few policitians pulling the strings.

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You’re so right … in most cases it’s not the people who are the problem (possible exception is the U.S. — here, it is half the people who are the problem) but rather the politicos who are calling the shots, supposedly in the best interest of the people. I hope Scotland doesn’t go … I don’t think either the UK or Scotland will benefit from such a split. But then, what do I know?

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I worry about the economic impacts more than anything. Whether people like it or not, the day where a country could be self-sufficient, if it ever existed, is long gone and we all do rely on other countries for our survival. You’re right about the U.S. … I don’t forsee this nation holding together even until the end of this decade, for our divisions are too wide now, there is no middle ground anymore. There is only ‘them’ and ‘us’. Roger (also from your side of the pond, and a historian) predicts we will split into a number of smaller city-states. I’m just not sure, but I know the current situation is untenable. Sigh.


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